Halloween, how I have grown to loathe you!
As we get older, it becomes less of an opportunity to get candy and be somebody else for a day than an obligation to suffer through bad parties and legions of people dressed as whatever is culturally popular at the moment. (Remember, not long ago, when a legion of Borats choked the streets?)
What happened to, like, ghosts and vampires? Our teenagers have besmirched the legend of Dracula and the entire vampire myth by appearing outdoors in broad daylight. You can't even get a halfhearted "I vant to suck your blood" anymore. The new vampires all have mussed hair and look like they just got out of a Big Head Todd concert after some so-so hash.
But for you women, it can be a minefield. Here's a night, unlike myth-less and commercially invented Valentine's Day (which actually punishes women who are single), that is prime for women, especially single women, to completely own.
First of all, it's wardrobe-based! Women are really the most capable of putting together a really, uh, alluring outfit. I'm not going out on any limbs here. Halloween is a night where every woman can put on the most creative and insane and sexy fashion she wants.
And yet year after year, you ladies dress up like naughty Catholic schoolgirls, naughty nurses, naughty pussycats or naughty whatever-starlet-is-topical. "Oh wow you're a naughty French maid and you've even got the duster going please get that away from my drink I don't know where that's been."
It's time to get creative, people.
Here are 8 costume ideas that will have you looking sexy (without being derivatively "naughtied" out) while saving you the indignity of being one of three Lindsay Lohans with an overly powdered nose at the party. (Leave that poor girl alone already.) Also, dressing up as a witch and calling yourself Christine O'Donnell sounds sort of clever to you now, but I just called it and now it's ruined. So there. And no Lady Gagas. Just no.
Cop
Pros: I know what you're thinking -- this is pretty played out, too. But hear me out. If you really do this right -- and I'm talking about mirrored sunglasses and a shiny badge and dark blue pants with a black belt and holstered baton and black boots -- you will own that party or bar or Tea Party church basement candy-swap/Obama-chop gathering. Female cops can look irrefutably sexy while actually having much of their skin covered up. Clearly there's a power-balance thing at play that still somehow works when it's make-believe, but also it's just that form-fitting cop get-ups are just hot.
Con: If it looks too real there could, and I'm just saying could here, be a higher-percentage chance of something insane happening, like you being called on to disarm a Taser-wielding mugger or mediate a dispute between angry street vendors. Also, impersonating a cop is illegal, so don't go all Method. Beware.
Flight Attendant
Pros: You get to wear a cravat and carry a purse full of mixed nuts and tiny liquor bottles.
Cons: People may ask you to fetch them drinks and loudly harangue you for charging $5 for these crappy earphones. Hey, you just work for American Airlines, you don't price the stupid amenities. GOD.
Cleopatra
Pros: What am I missing here, exactly? She was notoriously intelligent and sexy, she comes with the cool black-eye-shadow-trailing-off-each-eye thing and those gold snake bicep bracelets I seem to recall her wearing during HBO's "Rome" and all those gown-y type clothes. Plus, she is rumored to have committed suicide by cobra.
Cons: People who dress up like Cleopatra but don't even bother to visit her Wikipedia page. She was married to Ptolemy XIII Theos Philopater well before Mark Antony. Come on, get your matrimonial chronology right, Cleopatras!
Thelma & Louise
Pros: It's a two-person ensemble, so you'll have backup all night. You get to wear bandannas. You get to wear boots. You get to grab each other's hands while pretending you're careening into the Grand Canyon and scream over and over during the course of the night.
Cons: You have to wear mom jeans. No, no, there's no debating this. If you're going to be Thelma and Louise, you're going to have access to your bellybutton through your zipper. I don't make up the rules.
Tennis Pro
Pros: Well, this is just a lay-up. You get to wear a skirt and tight shirt and carry a racket and grunt when you exert yourself. You get to wear an armband or headband or both. You get practice your backhand while in line for the bathroom.
Cons: Answer questions of which tennis player you're supposed to be. Like, who knows anything about tennis?
Harvard Law Professor and Bankruptcy Expert Elizabeth Warren
Pros: Stickin' it to Wall Street!
Cons: No one will get this and you'll lose all your friends.
Inmate
Pros: Comfortable one-piece ensemble. You get to carry a shiv, and you can still get a jumpsuit tight enough to show off your curves.
Cons: You're wearing a one-piece jumpsuit. In public.
Bob Dylan
Pros: Hey, if Cate Blanchett can do it in a movie, so can you, right? Right? Look, there's nothing quite as fun as doing a bad Bob Dylan impersonation, plus, he's had a lot of different looks over the years for you to choose from.
Cons: You might end up looking like Gabe Kaplan from "Welcome Back Kotter."
There you have it, folks. Any one of those costumes would be fun, and there are a million more (and better) ideas to get really creative. The idea I was trying to get across is that it's really more about the attitude you bring to the costume, the personality you inhabit, rather then the outfit itself.
And hey, if none of these really do it for you, and you feel like you absolutely have to do the routine slutty-Halloween look, then for the love of God can you at least go as the St. Pauli Girl? There isn't a man on Earth immune to a girl in a miniskirt holding beer steins.
